i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
