I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
