so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
