Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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