this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
