Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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