last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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