Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
