I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
