I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
