if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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