put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
