oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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