my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
