fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
