so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
