Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
