i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My bed smells like the plague
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
