a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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