Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
we should paint friendship bongs
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