I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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