ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
