The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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