Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My bed smells like the plague
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
