I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
