Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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