There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
