yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
