So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
