Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
