she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
