I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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