Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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