Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
