Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
