my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
