I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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