Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
