Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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