Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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