RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
