In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
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My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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