I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
