I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
