Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
