Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
