so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
