I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
