My liver just broke up with me...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
where does the pee come out of this thing
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
