I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
