Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
