I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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