I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
