Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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