You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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