Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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