She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
