God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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