Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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