meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
