you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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